So this year has been one hell of a ride.

I started out last summer with one grandparent dead, and he was soon followed by his beloved hazel. That in itself threw me for a loop. It's strange to think your never going to see those crazy souls again. I mean, I can barely handle not seeing my ex, who i've known for about six months, for less than a week.

I started a new school, which made me realize, "Fuck. Artists are caddy ass holes. Why do I want to do this? Oh yeah, I want to mix up the world and change it with my art, starting by not using high school tactics as leverage" The school, while fantastic due to the amazing faculty, is filled with egos and esteem disorders. My art will hopefully get rejuvenated this summer because I really hate everything about paper at the moment. I almost never want to draw again, but eh. I'm pretty sure that's just my reactionary way. I discover something and instantly jump to the worst conclusion. "OH my god! Is that a mole? It must be cancer!!!"


I made new friends, due to my loss of all my old ones. It wasn't a bad loss, due to the fact that the few I did keep, I've known for my entire life and not just my hormonal teen years. My current friends are friendly, open-minded, and artistic. We all have these connecting lines that keeps up together, but it's okay if we let a little slack drop. No one needs their hand held their whole life and I sure as hell don't want to become dependent on anyone. My friends are the people I can tell my problems to, but will always recommend what's best for me and not necessarily what I want to hear.


Dating. Fuck. I want a relationship, but I don't want one. I love love, and I love everything about romantic books and movies. I want to be one of those old women who walks through the park with her soul mate. I want to enjoy my life with someone who appreciates me, but doesn't restrict growth. I also don't believe that I'm anywhere near finding that person. I'm too immature. I love men. I love how attractive everyone is and I love getting to meet new types of guys. I also feel like I'm restricted by my past, because in my 16/17 year old mind, my ex boyfriend made the ideal guy. My stupid, ignorant, and romanticized brain made him out to be perfect and now I compare that to everyone I go on a date with. It's fucking stupid.


My life is chaos. Not because everything gets thrown at me, but because I throw myself into too much at once and practically drown before I realize how stupid I'm being. I'm 19. How am I supposed to know what I want out of life? For christ sake, it's not the end of the world if I smoke a little weed. It's not the end of the world if I happen to dance till three, and it's def. not the end of the world if I have no fucking clue what I want to do with my life. Give this girl a break, I wasn't even wearing a bra until seven years ago.